A Tale of Two Girdles

My 20th high school reunion is coming up this weekend. I have been advised by several round women that "Spanx" is the thing for me. Apparently Spanx will do some wonderful things for those of us who are shaped a little rubenesquely.

So after assembling my garb for the reunion, a beautiful dress, a borrowed necklace and a bright red bracelet with matching earrings - today I finished my shopping by buying some shoes and underwear.

Now, I'm not a prissy girl - so this whole thing has been a challenge for me.

The salesman at the Belk shoe department was awesome. I told him, "I'm a round woman, but I want to look GOOD. I need the right shoes to complete my outfit." He steered me to a shoe (8 Wide). It was black - and looked good. The problem is - I don't walk in heels. So my poor friend Kim, who accompanied me - laughed when I was taking these baby steps. I got a little braver - but I must practice walking.... so that was done.

THEN I went to the underwear department at my local Belk department store.

I told the sales woman that my class reunion was this weekend and I have heard how Spanx can push in some of my parts - and push out some others. I told her, "I want to look so good, my husband will be sad he's not my date." So - she steered me to the section - she handed me a lycra tank top, and said, "When you try it on - step INTO it, don't pull it over your head." (That sounded odd to me) Then she gave me some biker shorts to pull on over my belly and to my thighs. Then she gave me "the sausage stuffer" - it goes under your bosom down to your thighs, and a nice fluffy bra.

I had the giggles. I looked at my friend Kim and said, "If your husband has to come and rescue me I will be so embarrassed." (He's a Greensboro Fire Department captain.)

SOOOO - I went into the dressing room, and that wonderful sales lady said, "When you get this on, let me know I will help you." I KNEW THERE WOULD BE TROUBLE.

I stripped down - and went to pull up the lycra tank top. You know the outfits high school wrestlers wear - that's what I looked like. The lycra stopped way before it got to my bosom. The biker shorts were hideous and round ladies - you know - the rollover was just frightening.

About the time I get my lycra adjusted - the sales lady said, "Let me take a look." Well I'm very shy, and have remained naked in the dark only for many years - she looked at the wrestling outfit I had assembled and began to pull around my bosom. She jerked and she pulled and finally said, "Honey - I don't think this will work for you." I said, "Thank you Jesus."

So then - I said, "Let me try the sausage stuffer." I did - it worked much better. (With the black fluffy bra)

When I walked out of the dressing room - Kim looked at me and laughed out loud. My hair had been clipped up and was falling out, she said, "You look like you've been beat."

I said, "Kim - I just lost 16 pounds. This is my new workout regimen."

When I checked out the nice saleslady looked at me and said, "You will be stunning at your reunion."

I replied, "I may, but I'm not having relations with anyone. I might pop."

This is a true story. It happened in Greensboro, NC at Belk - Friendly Center.

Just can't wait for the spray tan!!!!

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